matt2518@teleport.com (Matthew Johnston) Note: This is a collection of submissions to a local free-press underground newspaper. It depicts ridiculous behaivior, and is probably the worst stuff I've ever written... ...But it still makes me laugh out loud! What If... hurling into the past. Destination: 2147 Kirk shifted restlessly in the command con. A short standoff with the Klingons had led to an easy agreement. Too easy. He just knew they were on the planet, raping her of precious ores. Spock removed his eyes from the sensor array. "No activity on the planet, sir. This caution is logical, as the Klingons have been looking to conquer this planet." "Spock, come with me. Sulu, you too. And Checkov. Oh yeah, and Bones too. Can't leave him out. And Uhura, and the extra from episode 24, and..." His voice was cut short as the doors to the turbolift shut behind the group crowded in the turbolift elevator. "...and Cheryl, and Gene, and Max Sterling... Max Sterling? Oops, wrong series..." By the time they had reached the turbo lift, Kirk had cut the group from his orginal 56 to just Spock, Bones, Scotty, and himself. Kirk looked to the transporter chief, a young man about the age of 20. He had his nose in a small book entitled "Transport ers and You: How to Operate in Nine Easy Steps". Kirk didn't notice this and yelled at the chief for learning when he knows full well he's in the military. The chief, though slightly startled (He hadn't noticed they had come in, an oversight that had moved him from his previous position as Security Chief to Transporter Chief), complied and burned the book with his phaser. Unfortunately, the book had landed on the controls when he had thrown it up in suprise, and the four miffed officers transported to an unknown location before they had a chance to strangle the Chief. "Oops!" was all the boy could mutter. Now, if the number 2147 as a year means anything to you, you may have a inkling of what will happen in the next exciting issue: ...The Kei to My Heart ...OR... I Died, Went to Heaven, and Met a Couple of Lovely Angels Remember The What If Title from last month?... ...It's Baaaaack! Chapter Two... ...One In The Hand Is Worth A Pair In The Bush... ...Or Is It? When the Quartet of Deliverence arrived, the looked upon their surroundings. They were in some sort of ancient Neo-World. An aircar nearly hit them before ducking under them about 20 feet. 20 feet? Kirk looked down, and sure enough, they were about 40 feet off the ground. But not for long... The first thing the four did when they woke up was roll around in immense pain. That took about three minutes. They got tired of it after a while. It hurt too much. They searched for a jewelry shop to sell Kirk's glasses. They needed to get money somehow. And besides, it worked in Star Trek Four. They found such a place, and after some chuckles about their uniforms, the clerk gave them 200 credits and told them to go to the WWWA headquarters if they wanted to show off their clothing. Luckily, the WWWA headquarters was just a stone's throw away (if you threw it from a high-powered nuclear slingshot). As they arrived, a taxi pulled over and an elegant woman stepped from the back seat and walked nonchalantly into the building. Kirk let his jaw fall to the ground as he gazed at her radiance. Looking around, it was obvious that there were copious quantities of jaw-dropping therein. Except for Spock. He did the logical thing. He followed her in. The others followed, picking up their jaws behind them. As they entered, they were greeted by a blast of conditioned air. They walked in, gauking at the marvelous lack of modern technology. And clothing. Especially those of two agents, one a red head, and other a brunette with long, perfectly conditioned, waist-length hair like thoes found in shampoo commercials. "I know them!" Kirk whispered to Bones in amazement. "They were in my history lessons as a cadet. They're the DIRTY PAIR!" The two instantly turned around, guns trained on the four. Three looked shocked, but the one with the funky ears just lowered and shook his head, muttering something about stupidity and the human race. "Who are you?" demanded Kei. "And who's your tailor?" asked Yuri, obviously impressed at the uniforms the Starfleet officers were wearing. Kei looked at Yuri in surprise as she ran to Bones and poked and prodded his uniform. "Soooooo stylish! I love it!" she exclaimed excitedly. All Kei could do was utter a "Huh?" ...If you know why Yuri loooooves the uniforms... ...Then you know more than I do! ...Be sure to catch the next issue... ...Time To Get Down And DIRTY! The Reviews Are In (But Do We Really Care?) On The Latest What If?. Series!! "Ha Ha Ha!"...Nathan Miles "Does Paramount know about this?!?"...William Shattner "Illogical"...Lenard Nimoy "Accchh!!"...James Doohan "Dammit! I'm a doctor, not a proofreader!"...DeForest Kelly "Cool. Heh heh"...Beevis "Yeah, Arpeggiator kicks ass!"...Butthead "You're my next target, you little (sic)!"...Gaynelle Nolf Chapter Three... ...Hey, Spock, What's Your Last Name, Anyway? "Kei, you don't even know these people. What if their serial killers, preying on incredibly beautiful WWWA agents?" Kei looked toward Yuri with a sadistic smirk. "Well, you'd be okay then." Yuri stuck out her tongue. Kei hid behind Bones and fired at her, nearly hitting. Yuri returned fire, narrowly missing Kei, who now had her head between Kirk's knees. Kirk grinned and looked down as the bolt missed a little high, singing the strings dangling from his well-worn uniform pants (after all, they're 27 years old!). His grin turned to a look of great concern. "Bones, do something!" Kirk yelped as Kei moved from behind Krik back to behind McCoy. All he could do was say, "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a barricade!" He ducked as Yuri leveled her gun on his head, revealing a grinning Kei. The smile faded from her face as she noticed that her barricade had ducked out of the way and was now crawling toward the door. She too ducked and rolled behind Scotty, firing a shot from over his shoulder hitting Yuri square on the chest. Yuri's uniform top turned a bright red and she fell to the ground, clutching her now bleeding chest, gasping for breath. McCoy, obviously sensing the opportunity to use his medical technique, crawled from the door where he had been trying to escape to the location of Yuri's obviously wounded body. "I'm a doctor!" McCoy announced "We know that!" replied a disgusted Scotty "That is logical, considering that has been your occupation for the last six movies and the entirety of the series." inter jected Spock, in characteristic half-Vulcan humor. "Oh shut up," grumbled McCoy as he lifted Yuri's arms revealing a glob of wet paint. "What is this?!?" he queried in an annoyed fashion. "It's a glob of wet paint and an incredibly beautiful chest. Didn't you listen to the narrator? Oh by the way, could you close your mouth, you look like an unsatisfied fish." Yuri acknowledged. Be Sure To Catch The Fourth Issue of... ...The Dirty Pair and Those Four Guys From Star Trek! Welcome, fellow followers of those stunning beauties, The Lovely Angels (a.k.a. The Dirty Pair. But don't say it to their face!). Now is the time to stop this sillyness and get on with the plot complications. Chapter Four... ...The Re-Re-Re-Return of The Toxic Revenger! (friend of the enviroment, and all creatures great and small!) After a severe tongue-lashing from McCoy, the Lovely Angels explained to the four strangers theat they were on a very impor tant case and should really get going. But Kirk wouldn't hear of it. "Can we go too? Huh huh huh? Can we? Can we? Huh? Please, please, please?" Kirk said with all the pride he could throw out the window. Yuri motioned a conference with Kei out of earshot. "No. No. No. No! No! No!!" Yuri whispered to kei, who had her puppydog eyes on. "Aww, come on. I think the dude with the funky ears is cute. Besides, you know how I feel about quiet, logical types!" "Nope." "Please?" "No way." "I'll polish the Lovely Angel." "Sorry." "I won't cook." "You've got yourself a deal." The two walked back towards the motely crew (crue?) and motioned them to follow. Kirk and the others did so, much to the relief of the secretarial staff, and the janitorial crew of the WWWA. "Excuse me, ladies," inquired Spock, "but what is the nature of your investigation?" Kei looked at Yuri, winked, and explained, "well, the WWWA has been getting a load of complaints about pollution emminating from this factory to the south. We normally don't care, but the pollution is incredibly toxic, adn has killed 20 people already." Spock raised an eyebrow, "Fascinating." he stated. "I love it when he does that." Kei whispered to Yuri, a wide grin on her lips. The five caught a taxi, and it took them to the southern quadrant. The driver choked and slumped over. McCoy leaned over to the front seat of the moving aircar, checked the man and announced, "He's dead, Jim!" Spock was quick to correct. "Correction, we're dead. Look." The car sped toward the gigantic wall that separated the two lanes of traffic, and, to some extent, the living from the dead. "Oh dear!" uttered the Angels in unison. ...Will they survive? ...Will they be dashed by the brick wall? ...Will I write another chapter? ...Find out in a few weeks! This is the plug for DopplGamgR, the exciting new garage band. Remember: Send us money! Thank you. Chapter Five... ...Can We Get This Story Over With, Already? When we left off, the six innocents were about ot be destroyed by a gigantic brick wall... ...But luckily, due to an incredible power known as Writer's Perogative, the six flung their bodies from the aircar before it hit the wall. But there was one problem. Unlike other cars, this one was cruising at (you guessed it) 40 feet. "Oh no, not again!" Kirk uttered. He clutched onto Yuri and broke her fall with his body. She blinked her eyes in shock. Nobody had wantonly attempted to save her life before. She looked down at his limp body. "I hope he wakes up soon. Loveable goof!" She kissed his forehead and got up off his stomach. "Are you okay?" Yuri asked Kei, who had grabbed Spock's waist and blocked her fall with him. She looked up and beamed. "Fine, thank you!" "You know, Kei, I don't think these guys are real. I mean, two 40 foot drops in one story and their still alive. They MUST be toons." "Yeah," Kei agreed, "but who on Earth would write a story around a bunch of toons?" Kei and Yuri surveyed the scene. Kirk and Spock lay moaning in half-conscious pain, and Bones and Scotty were draped across a clothesline ten feet above the scene, unconscious. After they had awakened and checked themselves for wounds, the six walked ten feet to the door of the incredible death factory. Before they could knock on the steel doors, they opened. A large Klingon wearing a butler's uniform grilled them on their purpose there. "We're here on...*personal* business with the proprietor of this establishment, Riker-san." Kei winked and smirked seductively. The Klingon's eyes widned a little and he replied, "Walk this way. I'm Worf, Riker-san's butler." Kirk whispered to Spock, "I KNEW the Klingons were on the planet's surface!" Spock just shook his head. They proceeded to the 1071st floor to a gigantic office. A tall, dark figure greeted them. "Konichi-wa, Lovely Angels. And to my friend, James Kirk, Spock, Lenord McCoy, and Montgomery Scott." A fowl laugh escaped his lips. The kind of laugh that send you screaming into next week (a.k.a. Diabolical Lugh 32C). "Have a seat, miladies." "What about us?" Kirk whined "You can stand!" ...How did Riker-san know our heroes names? ...Will Kirk collapse before the next issue? ...Find out in 30 days! -- {The infidel did look to the Bruce and cried in anger: "I will eat your soul." And it came to be that the Bruce did look upon the infidel and said unto her, "Come get some!"} -The Book of Bruce, 4:15